Homeless!
Today is the closing date for the sale of my house in Vancouver.
Yesterday I signed the last of the documents with the notary public and dropped off the last of the keys with the realtor, and apparently Monday I should see the mortgage accounts disappear from my web banking.
The sale represents both the severing of my biggest physical tie to the sedentary world and the un-shouldering of the single largest source of stress in my my life. My priorities and goals have changed, and while I know that real estate in Vancouver is a sound financial investment in the longer term, I also know that I'm not interested in settling down into a life on land right now. As long as I owned a property I would always have to be a landlord, something that I am neither good at nor enjoy.
The emotional fallout from the sale has been slow to manifest - the house was the last relic of a failed relationship and a terrible downward spiral through the second half of my twenties; a dream that, once achieved, proved to be a huge disappointment. I am incredibly thankful that I was lucky enough to learn reasonably early the folly in living one's life by others' ideas of success.
At age twenty-eight, I figured I had won the game - I had a cute, successful fiancée, a great, high-paying job and a gorgeous home studio in my own house. I literally had the proverbial white picket fence! By all conventional logic, I should have been on top of the world, but instead I was falling deeper and deeper into depression. My relationship was failing and I was drinking far too much. I was rapidly becoming overweight and unhealthy. I was miserable at my job, and it showed in my work. Still, when I stepped back and looked at my life, I couldn't see anything wrong with it! My ambition hit an all-time low - if the game is won, why bother continuing to play?
Fortunately that relationship fell apart in early 2007, and in the very same month the company I worked for was purchased and dismantled by the new owners. We received severance packages and pink slips and I watched, shellshocked, as my world crumbled around me. I spent the next few months fumbling about aimlessly, rented out the upper half the house and moved into the basement, and about a year later I started this blog.
The nearly four years since the collapse of that world has been a period of intense personal growth and discovery, of purging and change, much of which has been documented here. The house was the last reminder of the former life, and selling it has been both exhilarating and terrifying - not only was it a memento and an investment, but also a safety net should this crazy living-on-a-boat adventure turn sour! I think I've proven to myself over the past two years the value in trusting my instincts and following my dreams, and I have no intention of stopping now.
As it turns out, personal happiness has very little to do with the ideas portrayed in the movies - everyone knows that once the prince rescues the princess and carries her off into the sunset on horseback, they live "happily ever after". So why wasn't my 'success' a source of unending joy? Life is defined by struggle, by working toward goals - but when all of those goals are achieved, then what? How many women look as much forward to the six months following their wedding as they do to the wedding itself? What was Ward Cleaver really thinking?
In the past four years I've learned many lessons about the pursuit of happiness. I've learned to actively appreciate beauty, and that the time and energy spent to experience fleeting moments of intense beauty is not wasted. I've learned that while acquiring possessions stimulates a similar part of the mind, real happiness doesn't require anything material. Most of all though, I've learned that happiness is subjective to each person individually, and that it is the sum of emotion and experience. For me, happiness is a combination of freedom, beauty and opportunity.
So! It is official. Apart from six tupperware bins in a storage locker and music equipment and furniture "stored" with friends and family, I have severed my physical ties to the land.
As for what's next... that post will come soon.
January is a Whirlwind
I'm realizing that I'm slipping into the old habit of not writing, which is especially irritating given that it was one of my unwritten (see? argh.) New Years Resolutions. For posterity, the list - I might as well get these down now, to help break the cycle:
- write more,
- develop and trust my emotions,
- procrastinate less (see #1), and
- seize any opportunity to gain new skills.
The first of the four is pretty obviously failing so far, but that is because #4 has been taking up a lot of my time. I've become involved with the Vancouver chapter of the Bluewater Cruising Association, a support network for offshore sailors who are either planning to head off into the great blue yonder, who are currently out there living the dream, or who have "been there, done that" and returned to tell the tale.
So far, I've been mostly taking advantage of the education offered through the BCA - I've enrolled in two classes, one for offshore meteorology and another for ham radio operations and licensing. Both classes are proving to be well worth the time and money spent - the more I learn about ham radio, the more it interests me! The world of amateur radio - and more specifically, 'packet radio', or computer networking over the airwaves - has a distinctive feel to it so far, one that strongly reminds me of learning about the world of modems and dial-up bulletin board systems, back before the internet gained popularity.
Furthermore, my day job has increased in responsibility, so now I am working very nearly full-time hours during the week. Part of me is tickled to spend my days working in cloud computing and my nights learning how to interpret cloud formations! Still, with full-time hours and courses five days per week, I'm not left with much free time to socialize.
Miya sadly had to move back to Seattle this week - her day job was only willing to allow her to work remotely for two months, and those two months flew by faster than either of us expected. Given that I spent a lot of time paring down my possessions and footprint to make room for a second human aboard the Tie Fighter, her moving off has left the boat feeling somewhat cavernous and empty. We'll still be together moving forward, with her moving back onto the boat in a few months, but that's a subject that could (and will) make an entire posting itself.
Live and Learn
If nothing else, living aboard is a constant source of new practical information. For instance, did you know that while landing a motored zodiac on a beach in two foot breaking waves is simple and straightforward, disembarking from that same beach can be deceptively difficult?
The strong northwesterly winds that started early this morning had us bobbing around quite a lot, and while Miya put up a brave face for a few hours eventually it became clear that she'd be a lot more comfortable (and get more work done) on the shore. We dressed in full foul-weather gear, bailed out the dinghy from the night before, and aside from the tricky part - getting down from the tall side-decks of Tie Fighter into a dinghy that's rising and falling almost a meter with every wave - the trip to shore went smoothly. We gunned the throttle on the down slope of a cresting wave about three meters from shore and surfed gently onto the beach, tilting up the outboard motor on its hinge just before the blades hit the sand.
I bid Miya farewell and started to drag the zodiac into the water but the first waves met crested up and over her bow, dropping a few inches of seawater into the little boat. I laughed it off and pushed through anyway, dipping a paddle into the water to taker her out to sea the required three or four meters so that I could start the outboard motor without the propellor hitting the sand. To my surprise and alarm, the blade of the little collapsable paddle snapped cleanly off with my first stroke, and I watched as the plastic blade sank quickly to the bottom. Another set of larger waves took the zodiac sideways and shorewards, and then a larger-still wave broke over the side, filling the little boat almost to the gunwales and pushing her heavily onto the sand. I jumped out, and with Miya's help dragged her up a few feet up the beach.
They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results. For the next ten minutes or so I must have appeared certifiable to the slowly-gathering onlookers, though I couldn't figure out any other way to get back to Tie Fighter! Without a paddle to help take the boat out past the breakers, the timing would have to be perfect - I'd have to wait for a calm(er) set of waves, push the dinghy out just past the breaking waves, jump in, and try to get the motor started while the dinghy was still in deep enough water. By the fourth try, I was having good luck getting out far enough, but for one reason or another the pull-start of the outboard just wasn't starting! A dozen or so rapid pulls and the motor finally sputtered to life... just in time for the waves to push me ashore and flood the boat again.
After a fifth attempt, Miya pointed out that I'd torn the crotch completely out of my cheap yellow rain pants. I swapped pants with Miya and gave it another shot - I pushed the little boat out as far as I could, then tried to jump in... my timing this time was poor, and a wave chose that exact moment to crest just past the dinghy, causing the undertow to drag the dinghy out from under me as I jumped. I was now hanging on to the side of the dinghy with my legs in the ocean up to my upper thighs. My rain gear protected me somewhat, but all I could think of was how much harder it would be to stay above if my tall rubber sailing boots were to fill with water. I scrambled aboard as fast as I could, with the water only soaking me to my knees, dropped the propellor into the water, and pulled the starter... and it started!
I motored off the beach slowly, standing in 20cm or so of cold ocean water, soaked and feeling somewhat ridiculous. I made my way back to the safety of Tie Fighter, and Miya watched from the beach until I climbed aboard, on the off chance the Gods of the Sea weren't done with me for the day and something else terrible happened. It is painfully clear that whoever coined the phrase "up a creek without a paddle" - although clearly 'river folk' - was on to something, probably as a result of a bad experience.
You know what they say about experience: it's the best way to avoid mistakes... and the only way to get experience is to make mistakes. I'm going to chalk today's events up to "gaining experience".
Christmas Winds
We've been anchored out in the Kitsilano Anchorage for two weeks or so now, and we're slowly getting used to the isolation again. Ever since we switched to a Zodiac inflatable dinghy with a 4hp Mariner outboard, I've grown somewhat lazy about rowing to shore, and since there's nowhere to securely dock the Zodiac at Kits Beach, I've been finding reasons to avoid leaving the boat during the day. Honestly it's not so bad, but the combination of rowing, dragging the rowboat up 150m of steep, wet sandy beach and cycling everywhere has me not particularly worried about that little extra layer of Christmas padding around my middle.
Just before getting the boot from False Creek by the VPD, we had a really interesting night of weather, resulting in a dragged anchor and a surprised crew. The night started off like any other cold, rainy December night, with strong winds from the east - Tie Fighter swung back and forth on her anchor line but held fast as expected. We anchored just off the tip of Charleston Park and settled into the forward cabin for a cozy night with a laptop full of movies and the diesel furnace blazing, but after about an hour of steady rainfall and increasing winds I thought it would be best to set an anchor-drag alarm on the GPS. Not twenty minutes later, the winds had continued to rise and the alarm went off, but we only dragged about ten meters to the west before setting firmly in place, ostensibly for the rest of the night.
About an hour later, things started to get weird. The rain pattering on the cabin roof became noticibly noisier, but then abruptly... stopped? Suddenly - in the span of maybe ten seconds - the wind died down to nothing, completely switched directions 180º, and started back up even stronger than before!
With the new westerly winds pushing her sideways, Tie Fighter swung around on her anchor rode and wandered to the east, uprooting her primary anchor again and resetting it pretty much immediately. I can only assume the new anchor setting wasn't as strong as the prior, because within an hour the anchor-drag alarm was shrieking again and we were drifting east. To the credit of the CQR-and-Fortress anchor combo, we only drifted a few feet before coming to a stop.
Anyhow, since that night we've been sitting at anchor out in Kitsilano again, and we've endured a few nights of seriously heavy winds - though nearly all of those winds have been from the northeast through the southeast, we haven't logged any winds at all from the west! That is all about to change of course; late tonight the forecast has us seeing 15-25kn of northwesterly winds.
The water out here in Kits is a lot more active, with winds throwing up small wave systems and the passing Granville water taxis sending regular wakes our way to the tune of about two foot waves. We bounce around a lot more - never enough to actually cause a cup of coffee to spill or anything like that, but enough that the flashlight hanging from the hook by the bed is slowly leaving a crescent-shaped black mark on the wall. It's not much motion, but it's constant. I quite like it, though I could certainly see how it could be a source of frustration for anyone not prepared for it.
Miya has held up admirably - we had worried that she'd have a hard time acclimatizing to the realities of living aboard a poorly-insulated sailboat in the winter, especially when she can be somewhat prone to motion sickness, but she has adapted extremely well. Barely two months aboard, and the other day at breakfast I had to point out to her that it was cold enough in the aft cabin that we could both see our breaths - neither of us had noticed the cold at all!
Moving forward, we have a few interesting project on the go, with a new diesel furnace for the aft cabin right up in the foreground. With any luck, all we need to do is acquire a bunch of diesel hoses and a small tank and the dampness problems we've been seeing in the aft cabin will be a thing of the past. The shift from the large diesel cookstove in the aft cabin was a great boon to our ability to cook - the convenience and familiarity of instant-on burners and the sheer unbridled decadence of freshly-baked bread have made living aboard in December a much, much more pleasant experience - but the reality of burning propane has begun to set in.
The problem with propane is that for every liter of propane burned, a liter of water is released into the air. Well, technically the gasses released by the combustion - one of which is apparently hydrogen - combine with the oxygen already present and create H20, which means a damp cabin. In essence, running the propane stove every day has meant that the moisture level in the aft cabin is far higher than in the forward cabin, and that is manifesting as foggy windows, slippery soap and chocolate, and worst of all the beginnings of mold and mildew. This really has to stop, but the only real answers are ventilation and dry heat!
Anyhow. Things progress. More soon.



































